Monday, February 23, 2009

It's Got To Get Better. Right?

A huge thank you to Charmaine (of High Desert Diva) for so thoughtfully featuring me and Kana in her lovely blog. The warm thoughts and condolences from her and her many readers who saw our story were wonderful and really mean a lot to me. There's a well-appointed spot for you in heaven, Mz. C!

This has been a very tough year. It actually started a bit more than a year ago with the death of my favorite relative in late November of 2007. My father's good friend died in February of last year, followed by my own father* in July, and a dear family friend in November. Not that they are the same (they effect our lives in a different way), but beloved pets also gone are Deb's Charlie, Cindy's Bruiser, my brother's Sandy and now my Kana. These personal tragedies (there were others), along with war, famine, drought, economic turmoil, etc. etc. have left me feeling a certain level of numb.

I guess I knew, but in the last few days with Kana gone, it's become very clear the level of structure she added to my life. My day started with a dog walk, ended with a dog walk and in between I was manuevering my work, errands, etc. around her parktime, pets, feeding and all. I've been at loose ends not only because of her death, but because I sort of don't know what to do with myself (and really don't feel like making jewelry right now). One moment of clarity came when I was out at a store yesterday and realized that no one, anywhere was expecting me home.

*No, I chose not to write about the trips back and forth to Miami, my father's death or the on-going process of dealing with his estate. It was too personal and too painful.

5 comments:

High Desert Diva said...

I hope you'll be able to find some structure...soon. Mark took Trux with him today on an outing. I didn't have my walking partner so the mail didn't get picked up...funny how we mold our lives around them...

convo-ing the rest....

HINT Jewelry Design said...

I was so moved by your story and the sadness of no one expecting you when you come home. Wishing you some peace and comfort...

moxylyn said...

I hope you are feeling better.

joanny said...

Take heart this too shall pass--- we all have experienced personal deep loses, it is when we open during our wounds to dare love again. . .that joy can come back into our lives by the joy we give to others. Focus on the positive of the love you shared and the love you have still to give to others
I lost all of my 4 cats and one dog one by a few years ago then my dear mother, then a divorce, a job, my home ,,,all in a very short period of time. In my heartbreak, God had other plans , the house I moved to had two abandon cats, who would not leave, they worship me, and a mistreated lost dog who came to me, who is like Kana always by my side, the moral of the story is that many animals right now more then ever are abandon, abused, in shelters frightened, waiting for a loving home, or be put to sleep,,,,
Give another poor forgotten creature a happy loving home they may not be as good as your last sweetie, but they need us... and will love you unconditionally
May you always be blessed with loving kindness
Joanny
Portland Or

T.Allen-Mercado said...

Freedom is another one of those things that can be too much of a good thing. At some point, we all need to be tethered; lovingly bound by someone or something. I wish for you loving attachments in the near future and peace until that time comes. (hugs)